Why making New Year's Resolutions is making you and me unhappy!

January 3, 2018

I've spent the last two weeks in a bit of a spin!

 

Questioning and doubting my career and life choices.

 

I've felt incredibly motivated in one moment but incredibly disheartened and stuck the next.

 

This is something that i have noticed cropping up a lot for my clients this new year too! 

 

Outwardly they seem super successful but there is something that they feel is still not quite hitting the mark.

 

They can't quite agree when I tell them they are doing AMAZING! 

 

Here is how I and they got through it...

 

Think about an area in your life that you are happy with.

 

An aspect of your reality that you are completely satisfied with.

Maybe it is your relationship with your kids or your family, your health or your career. 

What makes you happy in that area?

The real reason why you are happy with that part of your life is because your expectations for it match your reality. You have achieved or exceeded your idea of what success look like in that area that you've formed over your lifetime. 

 

Think about an area that you are not satisfied with. An area that you have probably made New Year's Resolutions for. 

Maybe it's your income, your career, your weight.

So you want to make £50,000 this year, get more followers, loose 2 stone, get a promotion. 

Before you commit to these resolutions ask yourself why are you dissatisfied in these areas.

Chances are it is because your expectations or the blue print that you have created for yourself to define success exceeds where you currently are in reality. 

 

But who's to say that your blueprint should map exactly how and when you will feel successful, fulfilled and happy.

 

The problem is that our blueprint is formed and shaped over time and it is influenced by society's, your parent's, your community's, your peers', your teacher's ideals and understanding of life.

 

It has much less to do with your own but still we keep striving and ignoring success and happiness unless it exactly matches or exceeds our blueprint.  

 

A blogger's blueprint may say to be considered a success you need 10,000 followers just like the bloggers she aspires to be like have. The New Year resolution may be to reach that target. Making the resolution re-affirms the blueprint and validates your unhappiness. 

 

Now Im not saying that you shouldn't aim high and set big goals but I am saying enjoy the journey! 

 

Look at the motivation behind the resolution and the blueprint. The blogger may understand success in that area as feeling like you are reaching, influencing and inspiring others. 

 

So if that is the feeling that she is reaching for then even if she only has 30 followers she is already a success. We inspire and influence everyone that we meet in some small way. Every encounter, every chance meeting, every blog, every post and every conversation may make a difference. 

 

A single career woman who is the head of her department may have a blueprint that states that you can only be successful and happy if you have a husband and children.

 

But as she denies her need to find love and raise children, her resolution may be to win three new contracts this year. She may plough herself into work, claim to be happy and fulfilled as she smashes her resolution but underneath there may be sadness that she can't understand. 

 

Until she looks at her blueprint. Maybe she was brought up by parents who have had a long marriage, her community is full of families and white picket fences, her religion placed importance on marriage.

Her blue-print will as a result tell her that she needs these things too, to be a success.

 

But if she looks beneath the blue-print for the things that motivates it she may already be matching or exceeding her own subconscious expectations but just in another form. Marriage and children symbolise unconditional love. That is the feeling that she is searching for.

 

And whilst she might well decide to date, she could enjoy happiness right now too, if she recognised that although it doesn't match the blueprint exactly, she has unconditional love in her life already from her parents, her sisters, her dogs, her best friend. 

 

A teacher may set her new year's resolution as achieving a grade one observation from Ofsted because her blueprint is telling her THAT is what makes you a success in education.

 

But ask her students what they think makes a good teacher, I can almost guarantee that it has nothing to do with observations and more to do with that teacher gaining trust, and inspiring them.

 

So she is chasing a success and ultimately a happiness she probably already has!

 

She can still aim to achieve the grading but enjoy the journey and feel proud of her achievements RIGHT NOW.  

 

A mother may set her resolution as snapping less at the children.

 

Her blue print tells her that good mother's don't shout.

 

What motivates the blue-print? Unconditional love.

 

She already has this! Right?

 

So YES she should aim to be less reactive BUT she can also slow down and feel proud as she realises she already has what she is looking for. 

 

I could go on! I'm sure you get the picture by now.

 

So your mission should you choose to accept it...

 

1. Look at your resolutions and ask are they just a product of my blueprint?

2. What is underneath? What am i really searching for? What is the feeling that I want to experience?

3. Do I already have it? 

 

It's time we started to release these unconscious models of success and begin to acknowledge our greatness and celebrate every achievement.

 

You ARE AMAZING! Aint that the truth? 

 

C xx

 

If you'd like more support in creating a life that truly makes you feel alive and fulfilled I have spaces for 1-2-1 clients starting February.

 

www.charlotte-victoria.com 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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